|Emitting foul gases is only normal |
|October 13, 2006|
| Ensconced in a friend's living room, we were discussing the future of this country, then the most abominable thing happened. One chap in our midst sent a sizzler of a fart that for hours engulfed the entire house. |
A tortoise (famed for the most ballistic fart) could have wetted its pants in envy! We spent the next few minutes holding our noses as other people walked out of the room for fresh air.
Up to now, everyone in that room swears that they did not do it, which I think would be a biological miracle - a phantom fart of sorts?
Okay for the record, I was not the one who farted. It's actually an abomination in the Alur culture to do such things (In doubt? Ask the Archbishop).
But I think I know the person who did it in that room, I carried out a pinky pinky ponkey and I could clearly see guilt written all over this chap's face (sorry mate, I had to write this). He definitely must have sent that SMS!
This brings me to my subject, farting. Everybody farts, even you (stop looking around, I mean you reading this) farted today (and stop smiling sheepishly). I don't see why we pretend when someone sends the stinker.
Unless you are not human, you definitely have encountered situations where people fart and then play innocent while staring at you like you were the one who did it.
Suddenly, everybody is thinking, who did this? And in the end, a lot of time and energy is wasted thinking about - of all things - a mere fart, as if there are no better things to do.
Today, I am going to demystify this thing called a fart. It's referred to as many things including okunyampa, gassing, flatulence, sending an sms etc.
I still insist that we Alur don't do those things.
Well, I see people feeling shy because they have carried out nature's call. I mean everyone farts, in fact it has been proven that some people fart shortly after death!
So I don't see why we shouldn't celebrate farting. If you are at a party and someone you know farts, you should give them a five-minute standing ovation, because that is no ordinary achievement!
Well, if you are the one who 'done it', then act oblivious and innocent. You could quickly steal a glance at the person next to you as if you are sure they did it.
Other strategies include coughing or suddenly moving your chair so that people think that they misheard the fart.
If you are on a date and it happens, you should act as if nothing happened.
Your date may believe they were mistaken in thinking they heard a fart and who knows, you might get laid!
For the frisky type, get up and proudly proclaim the fart as your own grand accomplishment and issue a challenge to anyone who can outdo you on that one.
Finally as you go on farting away, beware that farts contain methane and hydrogen which are flammable gases.
We Alur have mastered the art of using this combustible substance for nocturnal recreation where you float in the air stark naked with a bright blue flame emanating from your behind - it's called Abiba and no prices for guessing what fuels the blue flames!!
Harry Sagara works for Bullseye! Creative